No matter how hard you try to protect your friends, you can’t shield them from everything. No matter how many lectures you give them, it’s ultimately up to them to listen or not. It’s not like in the movies where they’re doing something bad and they suddenly flash back to when you told them not to, and they somehow remember the exact words you said, what you were wearing, your facial expression. They just go along with the flow.

They may not even tell you about it. Which makes it worse, because you’re their best friend. And by then, the shock and disappointment and hurt is overwhelming. You suddenly feel like you don’t even know this person. You know that you shouldn’t be acting this way. They did something wrong, but it’s something all teenagers do. You just didn’t expect them to do it- but that doesn’t change anything, right? 

So why can’t I get over the fact that you seem like a complete stranger to me now? I always thought about you doing it, and I always reprimanded myself for even thinking that you would do something like that. And then bang! you just blow it up in my face that you did. What am I supposed to do now? I guess I’m supposed to “forgive” you and move on. BUT I JUST CAN’T. You tell me that it’s your life, and it was your choice, and that I shouldn’t feel bad. But listen, we’re so close, your problems are practically my problems. I share your happiness and sadness and anger, so why wouldn’t I feel weirded out that you did this without telling me? I don’t know if I’m making a big deal, but it felt like you slapped me in the face. And yet, you don’t see the importance in it all. You think I’m over reacting. You don’t know why I’m angry and hurt. You don’t understand how I can share what you feel.

Which is exactly it. It was always me feeling. It was always me consoling you and telling you not to do this and not to do that. In a nutshell, it was always me caring. It’s no wonder you don’t understand. This whole time, I thought we were going down a two way street, when in reality it was only one. I guess I feel kind of betrayed that I was such a good friend to you, and you repay me like this.

This is why I can’t open up to people. Because like the unlucky girl I am, I keep getting shut down. I see all these people that have ride or die friends, or a boyfriend/girlfriend that they can really count on. Everytime I event think about getting close to someone, it always back fires. They’re too pushy and suddenly they want more than friends, or they’re this unfeeling blob that doesn’t care what you do. They only talk and don’t listen, or worse, they pretend to listen. Which makes it hurt even more later when you realize that they don’t have an ounce of respect for you. And I guess it makes me jealous because it seems no matter how many people I meet, I’ll always be alone.