I fell in love, once in my life. Sophomore year. I can see why people would think it was just a crush, or that it wasn’t serious at all. I was pretty young, immature…but I’m going to risk sounding like a love sick teenager when I say: you just don’t understand what happened between us two. But here I go anyways. For the last time, trying to explain what happened- and maybe, just maybe, it will give me some clarification as well.

He was in his senior year. That just made it so much more exciting. I’ve always had a thing for guys older than me…I don’t know why, but it felt safer, more thrilling.

It was….unexpected to say the least. We hit it off great. We were playing an online game with a lot of people, and it was late at night. Summer. No school tomorrow, no worries. One by one, everyone started to leave the room, until finally, it was just us two. You used me to get stupid points because I was so bad at the game. It was so funny at the time, and I just could not stop laughing. Now when I say we hit it off, I meant in the friendly way. I remember thinking about a relationship with you (you know how girls’ minds go 10,000 years into the future), but I brushed it aside. We added each other on facebook, aim, blah blah blah. We began talking to each other. I believe I was always the one to hit you up first. And at first, we did see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but your responses were still guarded. I guess that’s just the kind of person you were.

From there, we just started to talk daily. Things I don’t even remember talking about- everyday things that have no significance at all. Soon, we exchanged numbers. I still have no idea why, lol, but we did anyway. And we started texting. By now, I was forming a small crush, but again, I brushed it aside. We made nicknames for each other (oh God), but we were both still keeping it friendly.

And then we got closer. And closer. And closer. I can honestly say that you were one of my best friends. We just got along so well, and even you admitted that I was one of the few who could “keep up with you”. We started telling each other about emotional problems, and secrets that we normally kept close to our hearts. By now, we were talking to each other basically the whole day, except when one of us was busy. I felt like a whole ‘nother person around you. You made me so happy. We continued to accumulate inside jokes, and we continued to get closer and closer. I felt empty if I had to go a long period of time without talking with you.

Slowly, I began to realize that my “little crush” was getting a bit out of proportion. I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way, but I knew for sure that on my part, it was getting past the friendship safety zone. I’d heard all those stories about failed friendship-to-relationship, so I kept it to myself. I really didn’t want that happening to us. I felt like we had something special, something I couldn’t find in anyone else. Every time you playfully said “I love you”, my heart would sing and soar~ (seriously.) Of course, I just fell deeper and deeper into you. 

It wasn’t love at first sight (since I never technically saw you), and it wasn’t a deep, passionate, romantic love. It just kind of…sprung up on me one day. Not to say that I didn’t see it coming, but I didn’t know it would happen so soon. It had always been there in the shadows, and I always chose to ignore it, “brushing it aside”. All things come to light, right? Kind of like when you wake up in the morning with some stranger in your arms, and you feel comfortable and…natural…until you fully wake up and realize it’s a fucking stranger. It’s scary because you don’t know who it is or what exactly happened last night, but it feels right. When you accept that you actually have feelings for this person…that’s where it gets scary.

I didn’t want to fall into that trap. I didn’t want to lose you. But…… I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this before, but there comes a day where you can’t keep it to yourself any longer. Whether you riding a bus listening to your music, or you’re in a rush to get your morning coffee…it just kind of hits you that if you don’t tell this person exactly how you’re feeling, you’ll regret it forever. 

I was frightened that you wouldn’t feel the same way. That would be Hell for me, to lose you and your amazing friendship. But I couldn’t go everyday responding to you only as a friend. So I picked a moment, and I texted you. Yeah, I fucking texted him my feelings. But in my defense, it wasn’t really me talking at that point, it was my stupid heart. I was such a pussy, and so new to all of this. This was legitimately my first time feeling this way for a person. And my heart was telling me that if I was going to get rejected, then it would be better not to hear his voice…

But hey, turns out it was mutual. That was one of the happiest days of my life. After that, it was a teeny bit awkward, basking in our feelings for each other. But it soon became a natural rhythm. Just when I thought it was impossible to get any closer to you, it happened. And I was right where I belonged. I fell harder every single day. You were so perfect and understanding and loving and supportive and… perfect. This was a whole new side of you to me, and I could say that I loved you and actually mean it. You began to share more deeper and emotional sides of yourself. We even got into a fight once- all your fault, by the way :)

The way you talked to me, the things you said…they were all so perfect. I wish I could have captured every moment. 

But all good things come to an end, right?

You began to ask to meet me. (Yeah, if you’ve been following my story closely, you’ve probably deduced that we have never met.) You asked me out multiple times, but I always had a flimsy excuse ready. But you persevered. You were such a sweetheart to me. I don’t know how you dealt with it. I wanted to see you too. I wanted you to hold me. I didn’t even know I could want someone to hold me, but I did. It felt right to want to be in your arms. I wanted to hold your hands whenever I wanted to, cause damn it, you were finally mine. I wanted to see you everyday for the rest of my life.

You were courageous. You did what you had to do. You stepped up your game. And me? I stayed in the exact same position, frozen. I always told you no.

Why? Why didn’t I meet him when I loved him so much? That requires yet another story.

I started breaking out when I was in…..around 9th/10th grade? It wasn’t too bad, just what any teenager might go through- but it steadily got worse. I always picked it at it, and it didn’t help that I had oily skin. I used all products available at my disposal (which later caused, I kid you not, rosacea. Fml.), which of course, didn’t work. I had terrible acne. Looking in any mirror was a pain. Everywhere I went, adults would ask me about my face. They would offer me home remedies, and give me business cards, promising me clear skin. Even little kids, who I can’t blame because they were probably just curious, always asked me why my face was so red. It was pretty damn serious.

Imagine living like that for a few years. And high school? Where everyone judges you? Oh wow. Almost everyone around me had clear/basically clear skin. I was so envious. It took a huge, enormous toll on my self-esteem. I didn’t want to go to school, because it was depressing me. I couldn’t stand to be around these people. It was so unfair. I felt horrible and disgusting and ugly. Nothing worked, and I felt like a monster.

And…with these problems, I was supposed to meet the love of my life?! I couldn’t do that. No way. I was already imagining all of the thoughts going through his head when he saw me. I couldn’t stand the rejection. I couldn’t bear to even think about him seeing me in that nasty condition. Which is why I always had a stupid excuse. I couldn’t even tell him about this problem because…what the fuck, how was I supposed to tell him….

It went on for a couple of months. I was still so madly and deeply in love, and I wanted to see him so badly, but I couldn’t. Then one day, I saw a picture of him that someone recently posted up. It was caught at such an angle that it made him look weird, deformed. (Really, it was the angle.) And all my fears came rushing back to me, and they were all saying one thing: this is your escape. This is your big excuse. This is your loophole to leave him. He’s ugly, look at that picture. Just stop talking to him. Ignore him. Then you won’t ever have to meet him again. You’re not really being shallow, Marian. Just listen to me and everything will turn out fine and dandy.

And what did I do? I regret to inform you that I listened. (By now, you should probably be realizing how big of an idiot I am.) I told him my computer had a virus, and that my phone wasn’t working, so I wouldn’t be able to talk to him for a few days. Basically, a big “fuck off” message. I’m sure he got the hint, because he stopped talking to me. At first I was relieved, but then my stupid ol’ heart started missing him. Yeah, I’m dumb, I know.

I started going online AIM, and updating facebook and whatnot. But he didn’t talk to me. I tried getting his attention, but he didn’t fall for it. I think by now, he had made up his mind to get over me. I hated that. Months passed, and I finally talked to him. He responded like a stranger. I was so sad. So heart broken. But I couldn’t do anything, cause I fucked everything up like I always do. I tried to reconnect with him, but he wasn’t falling for my dashing charm a second time. We had a few serious talks, and he told me he didn’t hate me, but I couldn’t believe it. I started to send him messages which were…highly uncomfortable, to say the least. I tried to rekindle what we had before, but ugh. I was too pushy. He started ignoring me again. After another few months of excruciating silence, he finally admitted that he was ignoring me because he felt uneasy about the messages I’d been sending him. Bottom line? He wanted to be friends. I said okay, because I wanted him back in my life. We never talked like we used to, after that.

Then one day, my friend invited me to a kickback. Met some great people. Got a little tipsy. Then I hear that he’s coming…… WHAT? After all these yearS of not seeing each other and going through roller-coasters of emotions, I’m seeing him at a kickback?! Really?! So I got drunk off my ass, because I decided I wouldn’t be able to handle it otherwise. I lost in beer pong so I had to go into the pool, and that’s when he came. He knew it was me when he first saw me. What could he have been thinking? Oh look at that stupid drunk girl in the pool….I was disappointed. We didn’t talk at all. I left.

I saw him a lot more after that. Always where there was alcohol. We never talked. I tried to online, but it wasn’t the same. He would ignore me, and I would try to at least get him to say one sentence to me, but he wouldn’t. At first, his friends tried to set us up. They told me that he still liked me, that there was potential, blah blah blah. I wanted to believe it, but honestly? I couldn’t see it. I could tell he was annoyed every time his friends tried to make me sit next to him or whatever. He ignored me, and I realized it was futile to try and make small talk. I just sort of gave up, and resorted to watching him with the sadness of a thousand deaths written in my eyes, in hopes that one day he would forgive me and come back to me after seeing what I’d been through.

And that’s it. That’s right up till now. I still see him sometimes, and it honest to god hurts so much to know that he’s a stranger now. To know that he actually does not love me anymore (or does he?). I have to see him happy and smiling and moving on, while I’m stuck here. And believe me, I’ve tried to move on. But no one compared to him. They were all sleazy, with hidden intentions. They all moved too quickly, didn’t give me my time or space. No one was/will ever be him. 

I miss him so much. I miss what we had. But unfortunately, I am a really, really, REALLY dumb person. And I let the person I love most go. And that’s my pathetic love life summed up in a nutshell, if this can be considered a nutshell.