Today, I fell in love with his handwriting.
It’s such a new feeling, like a breath of fresh air, how I fall in love with something new everyday. I feel like I’ve come out from a storybook (a tragedy, probably.)
Today, I fell in love with his handwriting. And I thought, “how nice would it be if I could see that same writing, on a paper, preferably a letter, addressed to me.” I thought, “I have interest in all of these seemingly small things about him, and I want to know…everything. What he does at home, how he spends his free time, how his writing looks like (one step at a time)…and yet, he doesn’t have the same interest for me. I worry when he’s sick, because that means I won’t see him tomorrow. I worry when he’s tired, and I wish I could send him home to rest. And yet…he doesn’t have the same interest for me.”
He could care less that I cut my hair yesterday, or that I’m in a bad mood another day. If you dissect our conversation closely (which I’ve done about a million times), you can tell that I’m the one asking all the questions. I’m the one actually trying to keep the conversation up. What can I do, when my heart is bursting from my chest just from being so close to him? I can’t just shut my heart like that, that’s not how hearts work. Or else, there would be no heartache in the world. Nothing’s easy like that.
I fell in love with his handwriting, and I thought, “we could be so great together.” I know, a weird thing to deduce from handwriting. It was just so….[I don’t know the word], that I could see what he does at school, how he thinks before writing, believe me- it was the most captivating chapter on Japan I’ve ever read.
It makes me kind of curious…what will he do today? How can I fall in love with him any more?
At this point, I know it seems like I’m using the word ‘love’ carelessly. But you have to understand, ‘like’ is a horrible understatement. Saying I like him is like throwing me into a huge vat of scalding water and taking me out and throwing tomatoes and feathers at me and finally, torturing me until I die a slow and painful death. I am not over-reacting. Infatuation? Puppy love? Just doesn’t cover it.
I never thought I could love someone when they didn’t love me back. But here I am. Falling in love with this guy’s handwriting that could possibly one day be on a piece of paper, preferably a letter, addressed to me. Except he doesn’t feel the same way about me, and he’d probably rather write notes for his Humanity class than notes for me.
It already hurts, thinking about watching from the sidelines while he falls in love with someone else, and does everything for her, and even writes her the letters I so badly want to receive.. He’ll want to know how her day went, if anyone bothered her, whether or not she ate lunch. He’ll pick up on her moods quickly, and he’ll ask her to share when she’s feeling down, or angry, or just a little upset. Her happiness will be infectious. He won’t be able to stop staring at her. And I guess I’ll have to be watching that, and thinking, like the miserable person I am, “That could have been me.”
So today, I seriously, honest-to-God, cross my fingers and hope to die, fell in love with his handwriting. It’s not anything special. It looks like chicken scratch, actually. Hardly an eye-pleasing handwriting. But I did anyways. I fell in love with his imperfect writing. And him.
Now I just have to wait until I get that letter. It’s not going to be anytime soon, but I think I can be patient.
I won’t (too lazy) write a full, in-depth review of this book.
I read the reviews and plot summary, and it sounded so boring, but I decided to read it because it had the whole multiple point of view thing going on (which a lot of my favorite books have), and godddd, I don’t regret it at all.
I literally couldn’t stop reading it, and if you can’t tie in all the connections in this kind of book, it turns out a jumbled, confusing mess. But Nicole Krauss did it so well, and just ugh. You will orgasm.
Definite recommendation. What are you doing?! If you have a smartphone, download the Kindle app and buy this book now! Or buy the paper version, which is a lot better, except I couldn’t wait because its been too long since I’ve read something.
On a side note, I read my first “erotic fiction”- the Shades of Grey trilogy (because it was a NY Times bestseller). Well….that was probably the biggest mistake of my life. This book was horrible. She has no variety of language. Even the dullest reader will be able to pick up on the fact that she uses certain words in every other sentence. The sex scenes are repetition after repetition. There is no real depth to the characters, and the plot…is so dramatic, unbelievable, and just plain horrible. Seriously. Don’t read it. Don’t waste your money. Watch some porn, it’s probably more exciting and beneficial to your…sexual knowledge, or whatever.
Ah, I think I’m going crazy.
Can’t you just give me a little expression?! A little emotion?! Why do you always have to be so cool and collected?! Why do you stare at me sometimes with those eyes that I can’t stare at for five fucking seconds without turning red and looking away?!
You’re playing with me, that’s it.
You’re making me so confused. Or rather, I’m interpreting your actions in a totally wrong way, and I’m confusing myself while you’re being clear with your intentions. But sometimes you’re such a sweetheart, and I can’t help but flutter when I see that. Do you not see me as a girl? I’m not dumb, I’m not senseless, I’m not pretty or cute but I’m not butt fucking ugly…so what is it?
I don’t want to change myself, but I feel like if I want to enter your mind, I have to. Why can’t I just stay the same ol’ me, and have you too? Or is this the world telling me that you and I just aren’t meant to be? So many questions, so few answers.. it’s annoying, really.
I’m tired of thinking about you in my spare moments, and knowing that you’re not even giving a passing thought about me. You’re the first person that I clicked so well with right off the bat, and yet, what, we’re fated to be friends? What the fuck man. I want to text you, but I don’t want to do it first..you know? I want you to do it, so I won’t feel like I’m the only one feeling here.
I mean, what do you want me to do? Change the way I dress? Quit smoking? Stop drinking? Go to church? I’m not willing to do any of these things, but I’d just like to know what it is that’s preventing you from liking me. Is it just a simple case of un-reciprocated feelings?
Eh. I’m just crazy.
I mean, how am I supposed to forget you or just be friends, when I have to see you 6 days of the week?! And talk to you and learn more about you and like what I learn?!
I’m rambling.
COME ON, MARIAN. Stop thinking about useless things. Let things go, let things be. If he likes you, he likes you. If he doesn’t, then too bad for you.
If only it were that simple.
Woah woah woah, life overload.
Pause, please.
last pack last pack last pack last last last LAST PACK REALLY.
Galaxy S2 is pretty okay. :3
What the hell is wrong with me, omg.
Stop, seriously. I can’t believe I’m even going this into depth because of….my dumb brain. AUGH I can tell I’m alone on this one. Again.
That’s kind of weird to ask as anonymous, don’t you think?
Think about what kind of person I am, and use your imagination.
(Source: chelseawoosh, via s-indie)
Do any of you guys get that feeling sometimes?
That feeling where someone is doing something so ordinary, but they’re just so cute and all you want to do is smile and hug them for like 10 seconds. Or when they make a small mistake and if anyone else did it you would think they’re kind of senseless but when this person does it it’s just so adorable and it makes you like them even more. You can’t get over how cute they are when they talk about something they like, like playing games (always guys), or how they were so hungry so they went to buy a burrito but it was closed, or how they were trying to buy a pair of shoes off of ebay and they almost won, but in the last 5 seconds someone else bid and now they’re shoe-less. I don’t know. They’re not even doing anything special but you can’t help but inwardly ‘aw’ and kjadl;fkjasl;fjas.
Do you guys understand?
How even when they’re standing right there, somehow you still miss them? I know, it doesn’t really make sense, but damn…just.. you can’t get enough of them. It feels like because they’re not yours, they’re so far away from you, and you can’t help the pang in your heart. And oh god, let’s not even talk about when they come within 3 feet of you to get something behind you and the atmosphere is just so alive (one sided?) and you’re thumping thumping thumping and praying that he doesn’t realize you’re a little flushed just from being so close to him; or when you accidentally brush against his hand while handing him something and you feel a mental buzz of electricity and you can’t get over how his hand felt in that instant and how nice it would be to actually intertwine or even be held by him; or even when you’re sitting next to him and the space between your legs and his legs are literally _________ this much apart and how if you just moved a little you guys would be touching and you’d be able to feel like mini heart attack all over again.
I miss you already.
Have you guys ever hardly known someone, but you just know you’d be good together? And how you really don’t know this person, but every time they act close with someone else, you feel the jealousy rising up inside you to form the thoughts, “Why not me?” And how it’s kind of creepy that you’re feeling this way because you guys are just friends, but hey, you can’t help feeling sad when he smiles while he texts someone, and you’re boiling over with curiosity but you can’t say anything because then that would be really creepy. And you just wish he’d see you in the same way because really, truly, honestly, it could work out great. You just need to show him that. Have you ever heard that he’s going on a 3-day trip with his friends and your heart sinks because you know you won’t be able to see him for seventy two whole hours? Seventy two hours all by yourself. Seventy two hours wondering what he’s doing, where he is, if he’s having fun.
Damn, what the hell are you doing to me?
The connections between people are so amazing.
The most unlikely of people are so close to each other.
It’s weird how before you get friendly with someone, you don’t really think about their past or even their current life. You’re curious, but you don’t really know anything about who they hang out with, what they do, etc. And when you find out, it’s kind of shocking because you really didn’t expect him to be close with her…and etc.
I guess I’m kind of jealous, ha.
D:
Ah, summer weather is finally here! It’s way too hot for my liking, especially since I have to walk everywhere, everyday :(
Working for insurance is pretty exciting. It was kind of hard at first, but now I feel like I’m getting a hold on all the terms and procedures. It really helps that my boss is probably the nicest, most understanding boss on the planet. He’s not super anal about being late or forgetting something or making a mistake. Which is amazing, because all my previous jobs have given me a fear of making even the smallest mistake.
My Hollywood job is fun too. Since it’s a tourist shop, people from all over the world (literally) come to buy our overpriced magnets and snacks, haha. It’s crazy- the moment an Asian person sees you, they’ll start speaking in their language and they expect you to understand. I’m just like sorry…I’m Korean, lol. So many people looking for things I see everyday, like the Hollywood sign, or Michael Jackson statues, or the stars on the sidewalk. I want to travel too. Go to another country and act all tourist-y and get sunburned and ask stupid questions and get lost for the whole day. Sounds like such a nice vacation.
Guys are just…I don’t even have anything to say, lol. All me to blame, of course. I don’t like opening up to people, and I don’t like accepting people because it makes me feel like I have a tiny world in my hands, and what if it shatters? I can’t be responsible for all the tiny pieces that I may or may not find, that may or may not match up in the same way. I’m lazy. I can’t do that. And I sure as hell can’t give my small tiny world to someone. Too fragile. I haven’t built up enough self-esteem and strength and pride and of course, love, to be able to do that. But I’ll wait. For these things, I can be extremely patient.
My mom is just…eh. Our relationship couldn’t be worse. She’s just so narrow-minded, and she’s not willing to take in any of my opinions, unless it agrees with her. At first I was frustrated and I argued and argued with her, trying to make her at least see my way or understand my actions, but she refused. Now she just acts sad and depressed, and sometimes she’ll send me texts saying she wishes I was never born, and never to contact her, and to not call her mom. But then a few days later she’ll text me saying that I’m her only daughter and she’s so sad, and she just wants me to come home. BUT she’s not willing to negotiate at all regarding curfew, education, money use…. it’s like she’s deliberately pushing me away. I’m 18 now. It’s not that old- actually it’s really young, but I’d like to think the decisions I make are good ones. Like I always say, I’m not out partying everyday or doing things that my mom probably thinks I’m doing. Most of the time I’m tired from work, so I’ll just stay home and chill. I like having my own place. I like not going to school (for now) and just working and “experiencing life” and having fun. But she’s too uptight to understand that. She just wants me to go to college, become a super rich doctor, marry a super rich guy, and live happily ever after. I don’t even want to be a doctor. She always asks me, “Do you want an A+ life or a C life?” And honestly, I’d choose the C life anyday if it could mean I’m happy all the time. I’d never go become a doctor or a lawyer or something equally boring just so I can be rich. I don’t mind not being able to spend money in excess.
I’m rambling.
I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I’m…content. I like how my life is going right now. The years are slowly passing quicker and quicker, which kind of scares me because I feel like one day I’m going to have to grow up and face reality. Or have I done that already? I don’t know. I guess I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach and money to spend on myself, so I haven’t really been through hard times.
Content. Content. I am content.
For some reason, I really hate wearing jeans now. Or just, casual clothes in general. I actually never understood why I wore them to begin with. They’re so uncomfortable. Especially these days, with skinny jeans being so tight and restricting your movement. And on hot days, whew those jeans get sticky and sweaty as hell, you’re just waiting to get home so you get jump out of those jeans.
I mean, why not just wear a pair of gym shorts or with a basic tee? You could literally wear those clothes to sleep and the morning after with no hassle. It’s comfortable, convenient, and doesn’t look that bad at all. I guess it’s just to dress to impress at this age. But honestly, I couldn’t care less. It feels so much better.
Jeggings
